I write a lot. A lot of it never makes it to this blog for any number of reasons. This is from the drafts.
I am a living contradiction.
I am the old-fashioned relationship guy that every now and then fantasizes with single life in a place like New York. The one to think of how to celebrate love on a random day, but also think "Why did I not go out more that time?" The one that absolutely can't stand loneliness, but wish for, even demand, alone time and some privacy. I could not wait for the minute I would be able to move out of my parent's house and live out life as a young, independent adult. And yet, now that I'm out of there, I find any excuse to visit and just chill for a second, away from my worries for a few hours. More importantly, I've long fantasized about moving to New York and be part of that whole experience. That beautiful mess of culture and arts and business.
I find myself increasingly detached from the people that surround me and society in general. There is nothing anyone can add to my own psyche, to my own intellect, to my own so-called experience. Strangers provide the challenge of just how low can I take my own point of view in order to relate to these...people.
There is a scene in the movie "There Will Be Blood" in which Daniel Day Lewis' character so perfectly expresses what I feel.
"I think it's because I hate most people.
There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. For I have a tendency to always see the worst in people and I don't need to look past seeing them to get all I need. So I've build my hatreds up over the years. Little by by little.
Now I just want to earn enough money so that I can get away from everyone."
I'm sick of most people. It's rare that I find someone interesting even in the slightest. I could count in a single hand the times I've had a conversation with someone that was truly enriching to me as a twenty-something asshole, as I have been classified by so many people.
I don't consider myself an asshole. I feel I am a smart, calculated and often times detached individual that strives for perfection and demands nothing less from the people around me. I want to and like to learn as much as I can, as often as I can. Every day, I hope, brings with it a new learning experience that I can reflect upon and draw from. I've met girls. Had relations and relationships that prove to be nothing more than a study in psychology for me, aside from the rare occasional -true- sexual satisfaction. My tastes have developed to the point of making it impossible for me to enjoy most things and people. I hate myself for it, but I can't say that I would like it any other way. I've tried, as purely an experiment, to lower my expectations out of life and out of people, made myself more ignorant in a way, and while it helped me at that moment (was mildly depressed), I quickly realized I shouldn't sacrifice who and where I am at this point in time just to gain so called "friends". I'm past that. I've been over that the moment I graduated from High School and never looked back.
Movies like "Friends With Benefits", shows like "How To Make it in America" and "Girls", while I love them, make me feel rage and envy because - that's - the life I'd like. At least for a while. That's my ideal life.
(Incomplete, maybe. Can't remember.)